


I'll Always Think You're Perfect

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Body insecurity, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Insecurities, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28054473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: Matthew rarely has his shirt off in photos and at first Leon doesn't think much of it, but the more he thinks about it, the more he wonders if there's a reason why. He finds out that Matthew has insecurities and Leon thinks he's perfect no matter what.
Relationships: Leon Draisaitl/Matthew Tkachuk
Comments: 5
Kudos: 193





	I'll Always Think You're Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> there is one moment where Brady's teasing goes a little too far, but it's not done in a deliberately mean way.

At first Leon didn’t notice, or if he did, he didn’t think much of it. It’s only when he was at home in Edmonton, flipping through his phone reel and looking at the photos that he and Matthew had taken together in Missouri that he started to notice. Even when he noticed though, it was not really a  _ thing _ . It was just a blip across his consciousness that Matthew always has his shirt on even when they’re on the boat or laying poolside. Leon didn’t think much of it. Instead he just let the thought float away, instead thinking about the next time they’re set to see each other for winter break and thinking of spending more time together. 

Something about this, though, stuck with Leon. It’s not a subject that hounded him but every time he saw Matthew in a position where he could be shirtless, he’s not. Or if he is, there’s something always strategically placed in front of him. It’s in Leon’s private photos and in Matthew’s post-game interviews when all of his teammates are in a state of undress and he still has his underarmour on. And the more that Leon thought about it, the more that it became a  _ thing _ , or at least gives credence to Leon’s belief that it might be a thing, but with the hours-long distance between them, Leon had no idea how to approach the subject on Facetime, so he shelved the talk with Matthew along the other talks that they need to have in person.

They were planning on having a few days to themselves before flying out to spend the actual holiday with Matthew’s family in St. Louis and when Matthew’s key jingles in the doorway Leon leapt off of the couch to greet him.

“Hey,” Leon said as Matthew shrugged off his coat and dropped it on the floor. 

“Hey,” Matthew said as he sagged into Leon’s body in a warm embrace, “I missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Leon said and breathed into Matthew’s neck, gently nuzzling him soft curls.

They enjoyed a lazy day together, sinking back into the calm routine of existing in each other's company again after months apart.

Leon curled up next to his boyfriend on the couch, gently playing with the hem of Matthew’s shirt as a question for more and Matthew smiled but stilled his hand. “After this episode.” And so Leon waited, glancing at the clock until it read 11pm and the credits began to roll and they could head to bed. 

Leon stripped out of his clothes and glanced over to Matthew who had his back to him as he stepped out of his own clothing and reached out for Leon in the dimness of their room. 

It’s not just that Matthew was changing with his back towards Leon. It’s the fact that Matthew always undresses with his back to him. 

“Slow down,” Leon said as he pulled away for a moment, hovering over Matthew’s body and taking a good look at him.

“Come on,” Matthew said impatiently.

“I just missed you,” Leon said. 

“Which is all the more reason why we shouldn’t wait, it’s been months,” Matthew reminded and Leon didn’t have a good argument why they shouldn’t so he allowed Matthew to pull him down into a deep kiss. But as Matthew’s hands roamed down his back, pulling him flush against Matthew’s body, Leon couldn’t help feeling like he was shielding Matthew. After they finished, Matthew swung his legs from out of the bed, pulled on a clean shirt and underwear and headed to the bathroom, and Leon was pretty sure that there was a thing. 

Leon tried to broach the subject in a disarming way. He wasn’t trying to be accusatory or force Matthew to talk about something that he didn’t want to, and Leon just wondered if this is actually a thing or if he’s making it into one.

“Is there a reason that you’re never shirtless?” Leon asked and by the stiffening of Matthew’s shoulders, Leon thought that it was something.

“I just don’t really want to,” Matthew said in the tone that Leon recognized Matthew used when he didn’t want to talk about something. He’d dig his heels into the ground and stubbornly avoid the topic, daring Leon to press the issue or veiling it in a joke.

“Okay,” Leon said, “You don’t have to. But I’d like you to feel comfortable here, around me, and talking about things, if you want.”

Matthew’s jaw clenched in the way that Leon has become all-too acquainted with Matthew’s irritated tells from being on the ice with him. 

“What do you want for lunch?” Matthew asked. It’s a clear deflection and Leon knew that there’s no point in continuing the conversation. 

“Pizza?” Leon asked. 

“Sure,” Matthew said.

Matthew sighed, reaching out for Leon’s hand and intertwined their fingers. 

“It’s not, like a thing, and it’s not that I don’t trust you or feel comfortable around you,” Matthew said later, after Leon fully thought that the conversation was shelved, “I just guess I don’t like the way I look, or at least my upper body.”

Leon blinked, “okay.” He wanted to ask if there was something he had said or done to make Matthew feel this way, or if there was something that someone else had said or done, but he knew that Matthew wasn’t done yet.

“It’s just that Brady is better looking than me,  _ you’re  _ better looking than me,” Matthew said, “And every photo I was in, that’s all I could focus on. I could be more muscular, I could have better definition. It didn’t matter who I was with or what I was doing, all I could think about was how I could look better.”

“You’re beautiful,” Leon said. 

Matthew snorted in disbelief.

“I mean it,” Leon said, “You’re amazing and your body is beautiful.” And he does mean it. He wanted to tell Matthew that his concern is unwarranted, that he doesn’t even notice whatever areas Matthew is concerned about and he’s pretty sure that none of the Flames do either, but that’s not how insecurities work and he knows that. He knows that it isn’t always rooted in fact, but sometimes it’s the words of someone else that bring things up. And sometimes it’s things that you never noticed before that become hyperfixations, seeing things you’re certain that everyone else sees as well.

“You have to say that,” Matthew said.

“I don’t, but I mean it, and I would say that anyways” Leon said, “Thank you for telling me that.” He kissed Matthew gently and helped him to his feet. 

“Come on,” Leon said as he pulls him towards their bedroom.

“What?” Matthew asked.

“Do you trust me?” Leon asked.

“Of course,” Matthew said, almost offended by Leon’s doubt.

“Then come with me,” Leon said.

He pulled Matthew to the middle of their bedroom and started to pull off his own shirt. 

“What are you doing?” Matthew asked.

“I want to show you how beautiful I think you are,” Leon said as he reaches for the bottom of Matthew’s shirt, “Will you let me?” 

Matthew swallowed thickly and nodded, lifting his arms up to assist Leon taking off his shirt. 

Leon stepped backwards and dropped the shirt on the floor admiring his boyfriend and wondering how he could see himself any differently than Leon sees him right now. 

It wasn’t that Matthew trembled. It was just that everything in his body was tense as if he was fighting the urge to grab a shirt and cover up, but he didn’t. Instead, he stood under Leon’s gaze, aware that he was the only thing that Leon was paying attention to, like he was the only thing that matters.

Leon tentatively held a hand out, hovering over Matthew’s chest before seeing that his boyfriend is okay with him touching. He had touched him many times before, in many different ways having traced up and down this part before but now it feels different. There was a sensitivity to this now, now that Leon knew his insecurities and that Matthew opened up and trusted him. The rush for sex is absent and instead, Leon just wanted Matthew to feel good, about himself, about his body, and about them. 

“I love you,” Leon said, as he traced the lines on Matthew’s body, “I love everything about you and I hope that you can, too.” They made love in a way that they’d rarely done before, Leon taking his time pulling Matthew apart. There were times that Leon can tell that it’s almost too much for Matthew, existing under Leon’s gaze with nowhere to hide in the broad daylight, but Leon wanted to reassure him in the best way that he knew how, how loved and cherished and wanted Matthew is. 

Matthew still pulled the covers up when they were done, and Leon knew that his insecurities wouldn’t go away all at once, but Matthew was smiling and he looked happy. 

“You are perfect the way you are,” Leon said and Matthew didn’t respond so Leon wasn’t really sure if he heard or he was already asleep, but when Matthew shifted towards him, scooting so he laid across Leon’s arm, Leon was pretty sure he heard. 

For the next couple of days before they were scheduled to fly out to St. Louis, Leon found himself complimenting Matthew unsolicitedly. He found himself touching Matthew more, gradually finding reasons to be in his space, playing with his curls, and kissing him in the kitchen while they’re waiting for the dinners to finish cooking. 

At first Matthew rolled his eyes, knowing that their conversation had been the impetus for the flurry of compliments, but the thing is, Leon had always felt this way. He always noticed how beautiful and striking Matthew’s eyes were and how comfortable it was to lay in the crook of his arm, but he didn’t think that Matthew ever needed to hear them. The air of cockiness that Matthew assumed on the ice had always been something that Leon took for granted and that it translated into their off-ice personalities.

“You don’t have to say these things,” Matthew said after Leon told him how much he loved being able to touch Matthew in person and just simply hold his hand.

“Why?” Leon asked.

“Because it’s not us,” Matthew said, “we don’t say stuff like that.”

“I’ve always thought it,” Leon said, “so might as well say it.”

And Matthew continued to blush at the compliments, but he gradually seemed to accept them, like he knew that Leon means it and that he does think Matthew is as wonderful and beautiful as he says. 

They flew into St. Louis on Christmas Eve, braving the Edmonton airport and the rush of people flying out for the holidays. Both of them wore sunglasses and low-worn baseball caps, but Leon was pretty sure that everyone was too preoccupied with making their flights to recognize them.

Brady and Keith welcomed them at the airport and shuttled them back to their house. Leon was just ready to go to sleep and was relieved when Matthew took over the conversation to catch up with his family. 

Seeing the Tkachuks together for the holidays made Leon miss his own family back in Germany. It had been years since he’d spent the holidays with them, having flown them out to Edmonton his second year in the league, before he had Matthew, but the Tkachuks had made him welcome and even if he missed the Christmas markets and the German traditions, it was nice to not be alone for the holidays. 

They were all drinking beers and sitting around the fireplace when Brady glanced over at the two of them. 

“Better lay off the beers or you’ll have a zero pack,” Brady said and it’s just the sort of teasing that’s between siblings, but Leon knew it’s the last thing that Matthew wanted or needed to hear.

Matthew stilled. 

“I’ll always think he’s perfect no matter what,” Leon said, embracing the cheesiness and slight embarrassment at the affection. Leon gently reached over and placed a reassuring hand on the back of Matthew’s neck, turning his head slightly so that Matthew saw the sincerity in his words. 

“Ugh, gross,” Taryn says, with no heat in her voice. 

Leon pinched the back of Matthew’s hand, checking in with him, but Matthew just subtly shook his head and gave a faint smile.  _ Drop it _ . 

Leon knows that if Brady knew how his words hit, he’d drop it immediately. Leon knew that Brady loved his brother too much to actually try and hurt him with his teasing. But even if there was no intention, it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. Sometimes it hurt the most when people stepped on insecurities without knowing they were insecurities, as if their comments validated every negative, pervasive thought.

“I’m a little tired from traveling so I’m going to head to bed early,” Leon said a little while later, “You coming?” He asked and offered a hand to Matthew.

“Yeah,” Matthew said with a grateful smile and said goodnight. 

“I know what you did earlier,” Matthew said later, when they’re curled up together in bed, “so thank you.”

Leon sighed, “I’m sorry he said that.”

“He didn’t mean it that way,” Matthew said, defending Brady.

“I know, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt all the same,” Leon said, “And I meant what I said, earlier, I’ll always think you’re perfect.”

Matthew grinned and kissed Leon, “Thank you.” It didn’t make things better all at once or make things okay either, and Leon knew he couldn’t make the insecurities go away, no matter how badly he wanted to, but now they were out in the open, things were better now. 

“Merry Christmas,” Leon said as he pulled Matthew closer and nuzzled into his back.

“I love you,” Matthew said, “Merry Christmas.”

  
  
  



End file.
